BREAKING NEWS: This text is scrolling.________ Man accidentally shreds chicken, now spends his days solemnly trying to glue the pieces back together.________ "Yeah, I'm an influencer. I influence dogs. To bite people. Not on purpose, though!" Jury appears unmoved.________ Airplane pilot twists plane upside down mid-flight 'just for fun'. "The kids love it."________ BEHIND YOU!________ Creator of science, aged 58, found dead after revealing he originally invented physics as a form of psychological torture. Current suspects include the CEO of physics and the electron.________ Local calculus student gets unit circle tatooed on arm, insists it can't be considered cheating.________ Environmental Studies major renamed across the globe to Apocalypse Studies.________ "The radically new kind of entity created when a particular kind of animal is properly furnished (or infested) with memes is what is commonly called a person." -Daniel C. Dennett, 1995